How to Get Through Christmas When You’re Grieving

The first Christmas without someone you love can be incredibly painful. While you likely feel the absence of your loved one every day, the first Christmas after loss can be marked by profound feelings of sadness, grief and even numbness. Many people who are grieving dread the holidays because alongside birthdays and anniversaries, Christmas is one of the main milestones they have to face after a bereavement.

Missing a loved one at Christmas is hard because while the outside world continues to move, our internal world can feel frozen. Whether you find yourself going through the motions or struggling to do even the simplest tasks, no that you’re not alone. There’s no ‘right’ way to cope with loss during the holidays, but here are some tips for surviving your first holiday season without your loved one.

1. Let yourself feel whatever comes up

Feeling more emotions this month than you normally would? Know that’s completely normal. Christmas can be an intense time that can bring stronger and more wide-ranging emotions to the surface. There’s an unspoken pressure to feel festive at Christmas time, to embrace the magic of the season and to project an image of jolliness and joy. This can make your grief feel out of place — like the way you’re feeling on the inside doesn’t match how you’re expected to feel on the outside.

Know that it’s okay for Christmas to feel different this year. Your grief is not something you can put on pause throughout December and revisit in January. It lives alongside whatever might be going on in the world. Give yourself permission to feel whatever feelings arise during this time without any pressure to feel a certain way.

2. Lower your expectations of yourself

Do you normally cook a three course meal for 10 people? Are your presents normally all bought in November and wrapped in early December in your chosen Christmas theme for that year? Have you typically planned out a range of Elf on the Shelf ideas for your kids before the school year has even started? Do you normally host a holiday party, man the school Christmas market stall, write and post Christmas cards to everyone you know, or take it upon yourself to handle every Christmas-related task and errand? Give yourself a break this year.

When you’re coping with loss, your body doesn’t have the energy it normally would and your concentration levels and emotional capacity may well be very limited. Instead of operating in the same way you would have pre-bereavement, lower your expectations and ask yourself: “what feels manageable this year?” Then, once you have the answer, give yourself permission to only do those things.

3. Create or skip traditions — whichever feels kindest

Christmas traditions can be comforting, but they can also be painful. You’re allowed to decide which traditions you keep, which you do away with and which new ones (if any) you decide to create. Holiday traditions can include:

Lighting a candle in your loved one’s memory
Buying or making a special decoration to hang on the tree
Writing a letter to your loved one
Hanging their Christmas stocking by the fireplace
Cooking their favourite meal
Playing a much-loved piece of music
Taking time for quiet reflection

Or you might decide to:

Skip the tree this year
Forgo the decorations around the house
Say no to family gatherings and other social events

There’s no rulebook for Christmas when you’re grieving, so do what feels supportive for you this year.

4. Have an exit plan for gatherings

Some people find attending social events at Christmas can be helpful, while other people find them draining. If you’re unsure about whether being around other people at this time of year will feel comforting or exhausting, come up with an exit plan before you attend — that way, if it all feels too much, you already have a plan in place to help protect your emotional energy. Here are a few exit plan strategies to have up your sleeve:

Take your own car so you can arrive and leave when you need to
Step outside for some quiet time if you find yourself feeling flooded, overstimulated or dysregulated
Have some regulating exercises/grounding tools in your head that you can use if you need to soothe yourself. Breathing exercises can be really helpful.

It can also be useful to let at least one person know that you may not be able to stay for long or that you may need to take a break if it all starts to feel too much.

5. Say no when you need to

For a lot of us, saying no is something we’re not particularly good at. Perhaps we weren’t taught it was okay to say no when we were growing up or maybe we learned that pleasing others and meeting their needs was more important than tending to ourselves. Whatever the reason, saying no can often stir up feelings of guilt, discomfort, and a fear of disappointing others.

But no is an important word when you’re grieving — you’re not being rude, you’re simply honouring what’s best for you in this season of your life. Here are a few short and simple scripts to help you say no when you need to:

“I’m keeping things small this year.”
“I don’t have the capacity to join, but thank you for thinking of me.”
“I’m in need of a quiet day — thank you for understanding.”
“Thank you for the invitation. I need to think about it and will let you know tomorrow.”

6. Find small pockets of comfort

It may be Christmas, but that doesn’t mean you have to force joy. Instead, seek out moments of comfort and coziness. Things like:

Wrapping yourself up in a soft, warm blanket
Sitting on the couch with your hands wrapped around a steaming cup of tea or hot chocolate
Curling up by the fire with a beloved book, film or TV series
A slow walk in nature
Eating comforting food
Using soft lighting

And any other calming ritual you can think of.

7. Connect with others

You don’t have to be a social butterfly this holiday season, but maintaining some sense of connection with safe and supportive family members or friends can help make you feel a little less alone in your grief. Keep the connections nourishing and avoid things that make your grief feel worse — like social media or spending time with people who don’t understand the grieving process.

If this is your first Christmas without someone you love, please be kind to yourself. Grief can feel especially tender at this time of year, so if you’re longing for support, guidance, or simply a place to exhale, I offer several ways we can work together:

✨ 1:1 Support Sessions
✨ A structured 12-week grief-support programme
✨ Workplace grief education

Each option is designed to meet you where you are — gently, at your pace.
Learn more about my services here: https://www.kathrynjanewilliams.com/support

How to Survive Your First Christmas After Losing Someone You Love